Twenty-eight and the lockdown

It all started when someone found two small holes through the industrial glass in the door between the hallway and the stairwell. I worked in an old building, so everything was well constructed. The building had withstood a hundred years of children, so there was the normal wear and tear, but rarely was there damage to the building that couldn’t be explained by rambunctious children and their general inability to close a door gently.

Until there were two bullet sized holes and spider webbing through the rest of the glass that made someone suspect it might be some kind of weapon that made the holes in the thick old glass. And that is where things got serious.

I was teaching reading that year so I didn’t have a homeroom, and I had a planning period so when the principal called staff without a class and told them she needed to set up teams and have us search the building and the students I was part of it. Teachers with a homeroom were in their classrooms with their students waiting for everyone and their rooms to be searched. We went through bags, backpacks, closets, desks, bookcases…you name it, we searched it.

This was many years ago, before school shootings had become ubiquitous and none of us knew that reaching into places with just a pair of gloves on was not safe if someone had a needle or a knife hidden away. It seems almost strange to think about our level of naivete with respect to that search. We didn’t call the police, and we didn’t think about what we were going to do if we found a student with a weapon, and we certainly didn’t think about what someone cornered with a weapon might do. Like I said, completely naïve to the possible issues that could have arisen.

What stands out to me though was Twenty-eight. She was a seventh grader and was in the second or third class my team searched. I remember looking at her as I asked permission to search through her purse, feeling intrusive and unsure of myself and how I had ended up there. She smiled at me and said, “it’s ok Miss, you can do it”

With time and perspective, what I think she meant was that I had permission to search her bag. What I heard in that moment though was more along the lines of ‘you can do this thing you are unsure of’ and I have to be honest, it came at exactly the right time. It wasn’t the first room, when everything was surreal because it was completely new, but it was instead surreal because we kept going. If you’ve ever done something you can’t believe you’re doing and paused part way through to recognize that you are, in fact, doing the thing you are doing…then you may understand what I mean.

Twenty-eight looked up at me and gave me permission to be unsure of myself and, if I’m being honest, scared about what I was doing, and keep going. She gave me a gift I can’t even begin to describe. At that moment, she helped me feel calmer than I had since the whole thing had started. She helped me feel like myself again. She helped me feel like everything was going to be ok. I know that isn’t the way it is supposed to go. The adults are supposed to make the kids feel better, not the other way around. I’m sure they were just as scared and just as confused as I was, but on that day the roles were reversed and Twenty-eight helped me clear my thoughts and feel like myself again in a situation where I definitely wasn’t feeling clear-headed or anything like my usual self.

Twenty-eight taught me to exhibit grace under fire and I appreciate that lesson every day. I work with students who have experienced things no child should but they are strong and resilient and the least I can do is meet them there and be as strong and resilient as they are. Twenty-eight gave me the ability to do that. Thank you Twenty-eight.